Obama’s Diary

So, Hillary Clinton wins big in the ultimate cracker state, West Virginia. The only thing black in West Virginia are the coal mines and the miner’s teeth. It’s enough to make a dental hygienist cry. 

I almost had to laugh because Hillary started the day on the talk show tour to trump up her victory and we leaked the news that John Edwards would endorse me. John and I had this planned for months.

That leaked news got bigger headlines than Hillary’s win in the West Virginia primary. Most news networks didn’t even bother to cover it. Who wants to go to West Virginia? Ever!

Anyway, we sat around all day, John and I, and talked about Hillary and Bill and their foibles and troubles, and how much debt she’s run up in the past few months, and how Bill has to be out on the speech trail to make enough money to pay off Hillary’s gambling debts.

My God. What a great thought!

Hillary Clinton doesn’t know it yet, but she lost the Democratic nomination for President because her campaign music is so bad. Expect the same result for John McCain in the general election.

My music is better than your music.

Political candidates like to think that they’re all about new ideas, and identifying with voters, but nothing is further from the truth. It’s all about campaign slogans and music. It always has been. Pundits are calling it a new form of political campaigning, but it just isn’t so.

Music sways the emotions of the masses. It was that way thousands of years ago. It hasn’t changed. He or she who wins the music wars, wins the political wars.

For example, Dulce Maria Gonzalez is a musician who supports Hillary. Her song, ‘We Need A Woman‘ has been viewed about 5,000 times on YouTube. Contrast that with the millions of views for Obama Girl’s music. Is it any wonder I have the presidential campaign wrapped up?

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and you can see the results of that fury in Hillary Clinton’s face.

One SuperDelegate after another is stepping up to endorse me over Hillary. It’s very gratifying, and a relief. Most of us in the Democratic party can only pray that Hillary retires from public office and goes quietly into the night.

Fat chance, huh?

We just got word tonight that New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin will announce his support. He’s a SuperDelegate. We’ll also get former Democratic National Committee chairman Roy Romer, once the governor of Colorado.

Another day, another SuperDelegate switches sides. Hillary must be having cold sweats. That works for me. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

The math is inescapable and there for all to see, except voters in Kentucky and West Virginia, who cling to the belief that their votes actually mean something.

I won the most votes throughout the primary campaign. I have the most pledged delegates. I have the most pledged SuperDelegates. I raised the most money and my campaign does not have any debt.

It’s math. The race is over. Will someone please inform Hillary?

What can I say? I love this country. If anything, I love it for the freedom it gives to average, everyday Americans to roast their politicians, especially the really, really mean politicians, those from the Dark Side of the Force.

Hillary Clinton started her own online viral campaign, ‘Hillary in the House‘ with a bunch of white folks dancing around here and there talking about how life will be great when Hillary becomes President. Those people obviously need a refresher course in math.

We put out the word that Hillary’s internet campaign needed to be stopped, and my followers responded instantly.

The Empire Strikes Barack. I love this country.

As most political pundits already know, I won’t choose Hillary Clinton as my running mate. I haven’t decided whether to choose a man or a woman.

If I choose a woman, and it is a possibility, I’m leaning toward Missouri Senator Claire McCaskill. She has all the right qualifications. Claire is a woman, she’s a Senator, she’s a lawyer, she’s smart and articulate, she looks a little like Hillary Clinton, and, best of all, she’s not mean.

If I choose a man, and it is a possibility, I would prefer Al Gore. He already knows how to do the job. There’s no excess baggage, he doesn’t need the money, and people who love Clinton also feel fondly about Al Gore. He was the best Vice President the country ever had, and easily the best ‘heartbeat away’ kinda guy.

I don’t think Al wants the job.

My short list has all the usual veep candidates, though some of them, like Evan Baye of Indiana, get scratched off the list because they’re die-hard Hillary supporters. General Wesley Clark is on the list. That keeps the military folks happy. Kathleen Sebelius from Kansas is a good choice. Too bad Kansas only has six electoral votes. If she was from Ohio or Florida she would be tops on the list.

I like Janet Napolitano, too, but she’s from Arizona, and chances are good that she couldn’t deliver any electoral votes from John McCain’s home state. Bill Richardson is on the short list. He’s a funny guy with a good resume, and totally anti-Clinton. Would the Clintonite supporters vote for a ticket that is so anti-Clinton.

I like former Florida Governor Bob Graham. Florida will be tough to win, and he just might be the guy to tip the scales in my favor.

Each night I pray to God that John McCain picks Mike Huckabee.

They say that hell hath no fury like that of a woman scorned. Michelle taught me that. It is with deep regret that I recognize that Hillary Clinton is not likely to vote for me in the November general election.

That is despite the fact that I have won more of the popular vote in the primaries, more delegates, more SuperDelegates, and raised more money than either she or John McCain put together. It’s just that I’ve come to recognize that Hillary doesn’t really represent what American politicians have known for over two centuries.

Don’t be a sore loser.

It’s time to ignore Hillary and move forward to build a political campaign and operation to defeat John McCain.

Frankly, ignoring Hillary for the next six months will be one of the most enjoyable features of my campaign.

Uh oh. I see a problem ahead. Karl Rove, Republican strategist and dark lord of the Bush administration, is calling me the prohibitive favorite to win the Democratic nomination for President.

Maybe it’s a curse. He say says I have warts. What I want to know is how did he find out? Only Michelle and our family doctor knows about those warts, but Rove writes about it in the Wall Street Journal.

Maybe, just maybe, there’s a valid explanation.

Karl Rove is a voodoo expert and he put a hex on me awhile back, trying to get me to drop out of the race. It didn’t work. The warts I have are in a place where nobody can see them. Except Michelle, of course. So the warts had no effect on the primary election whatsoever.

The Republicans really want Hillary to win the Democratic nomination; so much so that they’re willing to resort to a laundry bag of dirty tricks and supernatural curses to keep me from being on the ticket.

It won’t work. It hasn’t work. The warts are hidden. The Republicans can’t shoot straight.