Obama’s Diary

I treat Jews like family. I don’t trust my family. My mother married a crazy black man from Africa. What does that say about her rush to judgment? My father left my mother when I was a young boy. What does that say about what he thought of my mother?

The point is that I trust no one. Including Jews. They’re voters with money. They’re influential in government and media. But they can’t be trusted. After all, they always put Jewish interests first.

I’ve been preparing a major speech just for Jews. I won’t say anything new or surprising except that I’ll put all of my positions into one speech and be done with it. They’ll be happy. I’ll get campaign money for a few promises, they’ll get promises in exchange for their money. We’ll both be happy.

Why do reporters not ask Jews what they think about Barack Obama? Because they might say the wrong things and that would embarrass reporters. They’ve been painting my picture for years. If Jews start asking the wrong questions or giving the wrong answers it will make reporters look bad and Jews look bad.

In a nutshell, the expectations are that I love Jews, I am committed to Israel’s safety, I won’t negotiate with terrorists, I’m in favor of freedom, I love God, apple pie, and baseball.

Rich old Jewish people may not be able to hear well, they may believe rumors and not believe what they read in the newspaper, even though they control the media, but they’re not stupid. They need reassurance from me that I am in their corner, I’m with them, I believe in their interests.

Of course I do. 

And I believe in cash, checks, money orders, Visa, Master Card, and American Express.

I can almost taste victory. By picking up some unexpected pledged delegates in Kentucky and the majority of delegates awards in Oregon, I now have a majority of the pledged delegates.

Senator Clinton cannot catch me in pledged delegates even if she wins the majority of every remaining contests, including Michigan and Florida.

I love being on top.

Hillary cannot catch me in total votes cast in the primaries even if she wins the majority of every remaining primary.

And, I’m ahead in SuperDelegates, too. I’m over the top and it tastes great. 

Will the Clintstones try to steal the Democratic nomination from me? Sure. It’s what they do. They’re hoping for a miracle. Or, a good marksman. If I’m alive, I win.

Alright, someone figured it out. I didn’t campaign in Kentucky. Maybe once, but it was a drive by or a fly over or whatever they call a campaign pit stop without the stop.

Why bother? The only thing good to come out of Kentucky is bourbon and blue grass. I like a shot of one and a toke of the other. Well, I used to. No more. I’m allergic to the stuff. Not the bourbon. Blue grass. It must be something in the fertilizer because I get a rash on my chest something fierce. All the calamine lotion in the world won’t keep it from itching.

It got so bad that when we did the pit stop, drive by, fly over, whatever when I was in Kentucky that I got hives from being near some guy just out mowing his lawn. Blue grass was in the air. I could smell it.

Kentucky would be a great place if they would pay more attention to educating their young instead of making more of them.

It’s difficult to believe how much good Hillary Clinton has done to the democratic process and this year’s presidential race. She didn’t quit. She’s tough and smart and relentless and fought a tough fight and I’m a better candidate because of what Hillary has done.

Who is a tougher opponent? John McCain or Hillary Clinton?

She has dug up and thrown at me every piece of political garbage she could find. All the political dirty laundry there is has already been aired in public for all to see. Pastor Wright. Chicago money. My muslim roots. My inexperience at street tough politics. Hillary threw it all at me. And I’m still here, still standing, still popular, still raking in the campaign money from starry-eyed voters who know nothing about the fine art of Teflon politics.

Democrats throughout the country owe a debt of gratitude to Senator Clinton for all she has brought to the party this year. She has become the perfect example of old style politics, the instigator of smear campaigns, the sneaky, lying, shifty, two-faced politician of the past is rolled up in Hillary Clinton– the perfect contrast for me.

Thank you, Hillary. You’ve shown voters everywhere that they do have a choice. Thank you for your gift.

In a funny play on words, my daughter complained to us at breakfast this morning that she thought Pastor Wright was over the top. Young people today have a different view of over the top than adults.

It used to mean exceeding goals or objectives. A good salesman would go over the top and exceed his quote. It was a good thing.

OVer the top also has roots in military when soldiers were ordered to leave their trenches and advance by going over the top. Professional arm wrestlers go over the top when they defeat an opponent, usually by breaking the other guy’s arm.

These days over the top means outrageous, crazy behavior. My daughter thought Pastor Wright’s hideous display of racism in his sermons made him go over the top.

I quite agree. Then Michelle told her that Daddy is about to go over the top, too, and is about to win all the SuperDelegates and defeat the wicked witch of New York to become the country’s next President. Michelle has such a way with words.

Now my daughter think Pastor Wright is over the top and her daddy is over the top. Where is Art Linkletter when we really need him?

I’m a sensitive guy. There are many battles in politics. Some we see in the election results. Some are ignored by the press in the heat of battle, only to be picked up by the historians.

One such battle is what I call the cultural war. Democrats are the part of the working man. But we have not won a majority of the typical working class white male vote since Lyndon Johnson beat Barry Goldwater back in 1964.

For over 40 years, the party of the people, the working man’s party, hasn’t won the hearts of the working man, the factory worker, the blue-collar worker. Jimmy Carter didn’t. Ronald Reagan did. Even Bill Clinton didn’t win the white working class vote, despite being one of the most popular presidents in history.

How does a well educated minority lawyer from Chicago connect with white blue collar workers?

Questions nag me in my dreams. Should I even try to win a cultural war that no white Democratic politician has won in 44 years?

We’re leaking to the press today that Hillary has gambling debts and Bill has to go back to work to help pay them off.

What a great line. This year alone Hillary has run up over $20-million in gambling debts. Sure, the Clintstones have plenty of money, what with the book deals, and Bill’s speeches, but $20-million is six months?

You could do better in Las Vegas but it would take a long time to lose that much money.

Yesterday David Plouffe received a call from Terry McAuliffe, Hillary’s campaign boss. They want to make a deal. It’s really simple. All I have to do is put Hillary on the Democratic ticket, pay off her $20-million gambling debt, give her another $10-million to boot. You know, for her ‘troubles.’ She’s married to Bill Clinton. How will $10-million fix that.

Well, we told Terry to tell Hillary that we’d pay off her $20-million debt, we’d give her another $30-million for her troubles, she could keep her New York senate seat, stay married to Bill

Oh, and she’d have to say, ‘I quit. Barack beat me.’

Like that’ll happen. John Edwards and I just laughed up a storm. What a great guy. I wonder what he wants.