Obama's Diary

Politics can be a perplexing business. Most of us enter politics out of a sincere desire to improve the country. Those who stay in politics too long end up becoming worse than what they set out to change.

Political observers think they know the real Hillary Clinton. She is portrayed as tough, strong, mean spirited, demanding, and lacking a sensitive, human side.

After working with her in the Senate, and after 20 or so debates, I would agree with that assessment. 

I was talking with Tim Russert the other day and he said, “I want to get to know the real Barack Obama.” I smiled, put my hand on his shoulder, and said, “What you see is what you get.” Everyone around us laughed. Tim didn’t fully understand, but he dutifully took down some notes and nothing came of it.

He took my answer to mean that what everyone knows about me is what there is to see, that what you see is really me. What I meant when I answered Tim’s question is that ‘all you see of me today is all you’re ever going to see of me.’ Tim loves to use his notes and pour on the heated questions during an interview, but he doesn’t pick up too quickly on the subtleties of an answer.

That will come in handy the next time I’m on Meet the Press.

Former New York Governor Mario Cuomo says I should pick Hillary Clinton as my Vice President when I win the Democratic nomination.

He called me on the phone to tell me that a Democratic disaster looms in November if Hillary and I don’t get together.  Like this whole delegate squabble is somehow my fault.

I love Mario like a brother, but he’s from New York so I have to discount half of what he says.

The problem is that I don’t know which half.

This presidential campaign was running along just fine for a whole year before the first primary election. It was positive, upbeat, and everyone was against George Bush and the Republicans who were running the country into the ground. Only when Senator Clinton started losing did the campaign turn nasty.

I told him, “It wasn’t me, Mario. It was Hillary. She’s to blame. Hillary and Howard Dean.” Mario didn’t listen. New Yorkers never listen. They just talk. Hillary has become a New Yorker so I have to ask myself why I would want to have her around the White House every day.

Thanks for nothing, Mario.

Yes, some say I should have done something about Pastor Wright before I started the campaign for President. Same say it’s easier to put the past behind us early in a campaign. I did that when I acknowledged taking drugs in college.

Some things are just better off as old news.

I expected Pastor Wright’s incendiary ways to become a problem long ago. It didn’t happen. That tells you how much attention the mainstream media pays to the details when they follow a candidate they like. Even Fox News didn’t catch on to the Wright issue until after it was broken by CNN.

Brit Hume couldn’t spell M-o-n-i-c-a L-e-w-i-n-s-k-y if she was tugging on his zipper.

What was important in this campaign was to build up a strong presence in a number of states before Pastor Wright’s expletives hit the fan, so to speak. By the time his racist comments became public fodder and hit the Top 10 on YouTube, my plan was in place.

I call it my ‘We shall overcome!’ speech. I worked on it for months, just waiting for the day when race became my issue, and not Bill Clinton’s issue. A good speech is not born, it is made, constructed, remodeled, polished, and lighted with enlightenment. People forget the bad when they hear good. I told them the good. They forgot the bad.

I have overcome. Again.

What goes around, comes around. The Clintonians are having a hissy fit over some photos of Bill Clinton and Rev. Jeremiah Wright. Together.

It seems that President Clinton invited Pastor Wright to the White House back when Clinton was embroiled in the Monica Lewinsky affair and was close to losing the impeachment vote to convict.

Everywhere the President goes there’s an official photographer, and a lot of unofficial photographers so now all the photos of President Clinton embracing, hugging, shaking hands with Pastor Wright are making the rounds.

Turnabout is fair play, et tu, Bubba?

You gotta love politics. Pastor Wright doesn’t even remember the trip to Washington or meeting up with Clinton. Sacramental sauce will do things to a man’s memory.

My campaign slogan for the presidential election against John McCain is simple. ‘Like Bush? Vote McCain. He’s like Bush.”

That slogan is so hot that I hear John McCain’s staff is furious and don’t want President Bush to campaign for McCain before the election.

‘Like Bush? Vote McCain. He’s like Bush.’

I say it over and over and over and it still comes out fresh and funny. If I were not a politician I could make millions in the advertising business. Creating slogans is child’s play.

Here’s another one. ‘Got Debt? Blame McCain.”  That one will do well in the industrial states. I came up with this one while I was shaving this morning. “Two In The Hand Is Better Than One More Bush.” I’m not sure what it means but it sounds profound and that’s what people expect from me.

My staff favorite is, “America Needs Another Leader On Social Security,” a reference to John’s age.  I tell them the message is divisive since the country has so many people on Social Security.

Michelle came up with one, too. ‘John McCain. Evil Conniving Warlock.’ She’s consistent.

There are two Marks in my political life, and, from what I can tell, they both hate me.

The first is Mark Penn who works for Hillary Clinton. He’s one of two attack dogs on Hillary’s campaign staff. If Terry McAuliffe isn’t available to beat up on me, they send in Mark.

Today he complained to reporters and told them that I can’t win the November election against John McCain because I can’t win the big states against Hillary. Fair enough. She won California, New York, Texas, Ohio and a few others. What Mark can’t figure out is that in all likelihood some of the Democrats who voted for Hillary in those states will also vote for me when I’m the Democratic nominee for President.

Duh, Mark.

The other Mark against me is one of the Secret Service agents that President Bush has assigned to me. His name is Mark. We never know their last names so we just call him Mark. Everywhere I go, Mark goes. It’s like a black man walking with a white shadow. I can’t go to the bathroom without Mark dogging behind me. I can get a stall to myself, but he hands me toilet paper under the door. One square at a time. He says regulations require it to be examined first. I carry my own toilet paper now.

It’s been two weeks since he gave me any toilet paper under the door. I’ll bet he thinks I stopped wiping.

For a chubby, wrinkled white woman, Hillary Clinton is the ultimate moving target with all the deft and cunning of cornered mountain lion. Either that, or she suffers from some kind of political multiple personality disorder. I suspect it happens frequently to rich white women who move to Arkansas.

We’re never sure which Hillary will show up for a debate, which means I have to prepare for any one of half a dozen known Hillary personalities. There’s the Hillary who implies that I’m so green in politics that I wouldn’t know how to answer a phone in the White House at 3:00 am. If I’m the President and it’s 3:00 am then I’m in full on delegate mode. I’d let Michelle answer it. Once whoever calls has been given the third degree by Michelle, they’re not likely to call back again.

Then there’s the Hillary Clinton who says she’s ‘open’ to having me on the Democratic ticket– as vice president.  Funny. If I’m not ready to be President then why would I make such a great vice president? Frankly, we’re baffled by Clinton’s chutzpah.

And there’s the Hillary who boasts about her experience from her husband’s White House years, but refuses to release any records from her time as first lady. When we ask her where her tax returns are and when she plans to release them, she snipes that I’m acting like the much beloved Ken Starr on another Clinton witch hunt.

It’s a witch hunt, alright, but the woman is on a fast-moving broom so she’s not easy to bring down.