Obama’s Diary

I really hate it when I get misquoted. For the past two weeks the media has been quoting Democratic party leaders saying that Hillary should quit the race for the sake of the party.

On the campaign plane this weekend I was asked if Senator Clinton should quit the race. My answer was brief and to the point. “Hillary can quit if she wants to.”

The reporters quoted me this way, “Her name is on the ballot. She is a fierce and formidable opponent, and she obviously believes she would make the best nominee and the best president.”

It’s as if there is some kind of reality distortion field around me that changes everything I say to political babble. For example, another reporter asked me if I thought Al Gore should step in to become the party’s nominee. I answered, “Of course not. Let him run a campaign for two years and do it some honest work.”

The reporters quoted me this way, “Al Gore is beloved by the American people and would have made a wonderful President, certainly far better than George W. Bush. We welcome the former vice president’s ability to bring Democrats together in unity.”

That doesn’t even mean anything. It’s political babble. Why can’t reporters just write down what I say? Doesn’t anyone get these things on video tape?

Let me say it again. ‘Hillary can quit if she wants to.’

Who is Victor Davis Hanson and why does he hate me? Never trust anyone who uses all three of his names. People never hear me refer to myself as ‘Barack HUSSEIN Obama.’

I was on the beach this morning doing nothing when Michelle brings me a printed copy of The National Review article by Hanson. The title was ‘The Obama Crash and Burn.’ What an idiot. All he did was harp on my speech about race, raise questions that nobody else asks, and concludes that it’s over for Barack Obama.

Not so fast, there, Victor Davis Hanson. My speech was great. All my speeches are great. It’s what I do. What does V.D. Hanson do? He writes like this:

“We learn now that Obama is the last person who wants to end the establishment notion that a few elite African Americans negotiate with liberal white America over the terms of grievance and entitlement — without which all of us really would be transracial persons, in which happiness and gloom hinge, and are seen to do so, on one’s own individual success or failure.”

What is that about? Who is this man? What does he want from me? Or, does he get paid by the word? His little survey was unanimous. Nobody will vote for Obama ever again.

‘Crash and burn,’ my ass!

Michelle just told me not to worry because The National Review is just an ultra right wing. ultra conservative magazine founded by Joe McCarthy William F. Buckley back in the last century.

Michelle warned me about Pastor Wright years ago, so this whole affair is mostly my fault and I take responsibility. Most of us in the congregation simply attributed Pastor Wright’s fiery diatribes to old age. His old age and the age of the liquor he enjoyed so much. Put the two together and give a preacher a television camera and the rest is YouTube history.

Michelle seems to figure out very quickly what a person is really like, deep inside their souls. She thinks Hillary Clinton is an evil conniving witch with delusions of grandeur. She thinks George Bush is the stupidest President in U.S. history. The next stupidest President is his father, the other George.

I asked her what she thought of Tim Russert, the host of Meet the Press. Michelle said Tim is an evil conniving warlock. “How about Senator Claire McCaskill of Missouri, one of my staunchest supporters?” Michell said she was an evil conniving witch with delusions of grandeur.

That’s just the quality we need in a Vice President.

It was Michelle’s idea to start selling Obama t-shirts to bidders on eBay. It’s been a year and so far she has raked in about $390,000. It’s very easy money. Those people will buy anything.

She orders thousands of black and white t-shirts. I think they’re Hanes. The good kind, with thick material and a nice, tight neck that doesn’t stretch out when I pull it over my ears. She has some company in Chicago print a logo on the front and back of each shirt, ‘Worn by Barack Obama.’

The rest is easy. When I’m at home I take a t-shirt out of the box and put it on. Then I take it off. Then I put on another one. Then I take it off. Then another, and so on. She gets bids for $50 to $100 and sometimes more for each t-shirt she sells on eBay. Outside of campaign contributions, this is the easiest money we’ve ever made. The shirts are good quality. And each shirt was actually worn by me, Barack Obama.

Is America a great country, or what?

Michelle and I were talking about campaign finance this morning. She didn’t paint a pretty picture for me. It’s not as though we don’t have enough money flowing into the campaign. We have too much money.

John McCain wants me to take public financing. Long ago, when I didn’t have much money and contributions were slow to come in, I said I probably would go for public financing. Just the thought of having more money than I had was worth signing up for public money.

Since then, my campaign has raised almost $140-million and Senator Clinton’s campaign has raised over $130-million and the amounts are growing every day. Poor John McCain has raised less than $60-million so he really wants to get his hands on public money for his campaign.

That leaves me with three money troubles where I once had none.

After Democrats raised about $270-million just for the nomination, is there any more money left out there for people to contribute? If I forgo public financing for the general election campaign, will there still be enough contributions to defeat John McCain? If I take public financing and forgo private donations, where there be enough public money to defeat John McCain?

I need to talk with Oprah.

Late tonight I got a call from one of our operatives in the Clinton campaign. She reports directly to me and keeps me up to date on Clinton strategy. When it comes to politics and Clintons it’s better to play it safe now than to be sorry later.

The Clintons plan to leak to the press that they will offer the Vice President’s spot on the Democratic ticket to me to keep the party unified.

At first I thought it was some kind of joke from a Saturday Night Live skit. After all, I’ve won more than twice as many states as Senator Clinton in the primaries. I’ve won more of the popular vote than Senator Clinton. I have more delegates than Senator Clinton.

It’s true what they say. Those people never say die. They never quit.

This must be the first time in history where a number two candidate who cannot win the nomination has offered the number two spot on the ticket to the number one candidate. Michelle calls it the ‘Nightmare Ticket,’ a one way train on the tracks to obscurity.

Then I asked her what she thought of an ‘Obama-Clinton’ ticket. She called that a ‘Nightmare Ticket,’ too. Only worse. “What’s the difference,” I asked? She said, “Which is worse? A ticket to obscurity and political impotence, or having that woman on your back every day?”

Good point. That would be a nightmare.

Bill Clinton had a great campaign line back in his 1992 race against the smarter George Bush. He often told his campaign staff to stay focused, because, “It’s the economy, stupid.”

I don’t think he meant that his staff was stupid. It appears to be a play on words from the old management technique called KISS. “Keep it simple, stupid.”

In the past few weeks my staffers have been running around like little chickens afraid of Hillary the wolf. Somehow they fear that Senator Clinton will suddenly come from behind and snatch away all the delegates in Ohio and Texas and the rest of the primary states and we’ll lose the race to make me President of the United States of America.

Gawd, I love to say that.

Keeping a campaign’s organization focused is always a challenge, and this race is no different. My new slogan is, “It’s the delegate count, stupid.” That’s all it is. Nothing more, nothing less. Right now I have about a 100 delegate lead over Senator Clinton. We’ll split the delegates from Texas and Ohio, and might even pick up a few. There’s a few more southern states and I’ll win most of those delegates to increase my lead. When it gets right down to the numbers, Hillary can’t win.

I think.