Obama’s Diary

I don’t know what it is with ex-Presidents. It’s not like they need the money once they leave office. They’re all rich now, what with speeches, personal appearances, book deals. All of them.

Jimmy Carter is always in the news. So is George Bush. The one married to his mother. Only Ronald Reagan was good at staying out of everyone’s hair and avoiding the limelight. Maybe that’s because he didn’t even know who he was.

The worst is Bill Clinton. He’s worth $100-million and collects more money than any politician in history, including the Kennedy’s. He has access to women, heads of state, and can go anywhere and the public foots the bill. 

So what does Bill Clinton really want?

A job.

He’s on the phone a couple of times a day trying to get me to promise him some kind of position in an Obama administration. He’s annoying. Worse than Senator Joe Biden who says he’ll endorse me if he gets a cabinet job or Ambassador to France. Clinton just doesn’t know when to quit, even when I told him there will never be another Clinton in the White House. Ever.

We screen his calls now. I’m saving up all his messages on the answering machine. I could write a small book and get a CBS television special just with all the audio recordings of Bill Clinton begging for work.

How much is Cindy McCain worth? Tens of millions. Hundreds of millions. Whatever. It’s easy to lose count. We just received a tip that Cindy McCain will release her income tax returns for 2006. Nothing about years before, nothing about 2007, but suffice it to say that she made millions in 2006 and didn’t do anything other than breath.

She is one rich blonde. With Republican candidates having a difficult time raising money and having to dig into their own pockets Mitt Romney style, we’ll see how much Cindy McCain truly loves her husband, how much she loves America, or is it just all talk and no substance.

One thing about Republicans, they’ll spend their own money on a campaign to win public office but they draw the line, sooner or later. My bet is that McCain’s blondie already drew the line in the sand, which is why he still begs for money.

I have to admit to perverse pleasure when I see Republican candidates begging for money. 

Some might say that Senator McCain could finance his own campaign the way Mitt Romney financed his campaign. Fine with me. Romney lost despite spending $50-million of his own money. Better luck next time, Mitt.

McCain’s wife won’t turn lose the money, so John has to stay on the campaign trail shaking down Republican bigwigs. It’s a sad show, but one I can watch again and again. Ground Hog Day for Republicans.

It’s difficult to believe how much good Hillary Clinton has done to the democratic process and this year’s presidential race. She didn’t quit. She’s tough and smart and relentless and fought a tough fight and I’m a better candidate because of what Hillary has done.

Who is a tougher opponent? John McCain or Hillary Clinton?

She has dug up and thrown at me every piece of political garbage she could find. All the political dirty laundry there is has already been aired in public for all to see. Pastor Wright. Chicago money. My muslim roots. My inexperience at street tough politics. Hillary threw it all at me. And I’m still here, still standing, still popular, still raking in the campaign money from starry-eyed voters who know nothing about the fine art of Teflon politics.

Democrats throughout the country owe a debt of gratitude to Senator Clinton for all she has brought to the party this year. She has become the perfect example of old style politics, the instigator of smear campaigns, the sneaky, lying, shifty, two-faced politician of the past is rolled up in Hillary Clinton– the perfect contrast for me.

Thank you, Hillary. You’ve shown voters everywhere that they do have a choice. Thank you for your gift.

We’re leaking to the press today that Hillary has gambling debts and Bill has to go back to work to help pay them off.

What a great line. This year alone Hillary has run up over $20-million in gambling debts. Sure, the Clintstones have plenty of money, what with the book deals, and Bill’s speeches, but $20-million is six months?

You could do better in Las Vegas but it would take a long time to lose that much money.

Yesterday David Plouffe received a call from Terry McAuliffe, Hillary’s campaign boss. They want to make a deal. It’s really simple. All I have to do is put Hillary on the Democratic ticket, pay off her $20-million gambling debt, give her another $10-million to boot. You know, for her ‘troubles.’ She’s married to Bill Clinton. How will $10-million fix that.

Well, we told Terry to tell Hillary that we’d pay off her $20-million debt, we’d give her another $30-million for her troubles, she could keep her New York senate seat, stay married to Bill

Oh, and she’d have to say, ‘I quit. Barack beat me.’

Like that’ll happen. John Edwards and I just laughed up a storm. What a great guy. I wonder what he wants.

As Bill Clinton used to say whenever a new, but not quite pretty enough, intern would show up at the White House, “Close, but no cigar!”

I almost won Indiana and that would have been the knock out punch to finally take down Hildebeast.

What Hillary doesn’t know is that my campaign seeded a few million one page flyers to every household in Indiana two weeks before the election. We made sure every voter got one, and signed a non-disclosure agreement so they wouldn’t tell the press what was on the flyer.

All the flyer did was explain that Hillary’s so-called Gas Tax Holiday was really just a gimmick to get them to vote for her. It explained the math, and was truthful, telling Indiana voters that they would save money but only about $25 all summer.

I also promised to give everyone who voted for me $25 to cover their extra fuel costs this summer, but only if I won the primary election in Indiana. It was close. Had I won Indiana it would have cost me about $25-million dollars.

Instead, I almost won Indiana, it didn’t cost me anything, and the close election almost punched Hillary out of the race.

If Bill Clinton can call himself the first black President, despite being whiter than white, then it’s only fair to consider me the first black Kennedy. I prefer a comparison to Jack. There’s something of a ladies man in all of us.

A comparison to Bobby will do, but not Ted. Please, no comparisons of me to Ted Kennedy. The man is a womanizing, lecherous, lush. Nice hair, though.

I’ve ordered some signs for the Democratic Convention in Denver. Once I receive the nomination campaign supporters will pass out signs that say, “Obama– The Black JFK.”

The Black JFK. It just works.

The more I think about it, the more that slogan has a great ring to it. It brings back exciting times of dreams lost in tragedy.

It’s a whole lot better than the one Michelle thought of. 

The “Democratic Reagan?” What was she thinking?

I don’t know how else to put it. I condemned Pastor Wright’s divisive and racists comments already. The issue should have died and been buried by now.

Instead, Pastor Wright is on the offensive with a defense of what he said. Now he says that anyone who doesn’t agree with what he said about America and race and religion is attacking the black church.

Either Past Wright is looney tunes and needs a one way ticket to the funny farm, or he’s possessed by the Devil himself. I suspect the latter.

The Devil is a purist. He wants nothing to do with a half-black, half-white man of intellect running the country. The Devil wants what’s bad for America. What better way to cause discord in American politics than by attacking it as an old, over-the-hill black man.

Now Pastor Wright is running around saying he’s patriotic but that American troops are like the Roman legions that killed Jesus, he’s publicly praising Nation of Islam leader Louis Farakhan, and says that the AIDS epidemic is a racist plot to wipe out black people.

Does anyone doubt that Pastor Wright is acting like the Devil?