Hillary Clinton plays cards. She’s played the gender card, abused-spouse card, the underdog card, the race card, the money card, and probably a few cards that I’m not aware of but that haven’t made the news.
The only card left to play is the assassination card. It’s merely a matter of time before Hillary invokes some kind of comment about John F. Kennedy’s assassination or his brother, Robert’s assassination, or even Dr. Martin Luther King’s assassination.
Is she desperate or shrewd?
Some would say that Hillary has become desperate, but I don’t think so. She’s a vicious, calculating, mate-eating, she-bat from the nether reaches of whatever is lower than the fires of Hell. But she’s not a stupid woman prone to making political mistakes.
The assassination card is either an attempt to bring doubt to the legitimacy of an Obama administration, or an outright invitation, or a challenge for someone to play out the assassination card as real-life drama.
Either way, the politics are obvious. We’ve beefed up Secret Service security. That means more brothers who are willing to take a bullet for me and my cause for truth, justice, and the American way.
I just cannot imagine any self-respecting, pension-gaining white Secret Service agent willing to take a bullet for Hillary.
I’m a sensitive guy. There are many battles in politics. Some we see in the election results. Some are ignored by the press in the heat of battle, only to be picked up by the historians.
One such battle is what I call the cultural war. Democrats are the part of the working man. But we have not won a majority of the typical working class white male vote since Lyndon Johnson beat Barry Goldwater back in 1964.
For over 40 years, the party of the people, the working man’s party, hasn’t won the hearts of the working man, the factory worker, the blue-collar worker. Jimmy Carter didn’t. Ronald Reagan did. Even Bill Clinton didn’t win the white working class vote, despite being one of the most popular presidents in history.
How does a well educated minority lawyer from Chicago connect with white blue collar workers?
Questions nag me in my dreams. Should I even try to win a cultural war that no white Democratic politician has won in 44 years?
What can I say? I love this country. If anything, I love it for the freedom it gives to average, everyday Americans to roast their politicians, especially the really, really mean politicians, those from the Dark Side of the Force.
Hillary Clinton started her own online viral campaign, ‘Hillary in the House‘ with a bunch of white folks dancing around here and there talking about how life will be great when Hillary becomes President. Those people obviously need a refresher course in math.
We put out the word that Hillary’s internet campaign needed to be stopped, and my followers responded instantly.
Uh oh. I see a problem ahead. Karl Rove, Republican strategist and dark lord of the Bush administration, is calling me the prohibitive favorite to win the Democratic nomination for President.
Maybe it’s a curse. He say says I have warts. What I want to know is how did he find out? Only Michelle and our family doctor knows about those warts, but Rove writes about it in the Wall Street Journal.
Maybe, just maybe, there’s a valid explanation.
Karl Rove is a voodoo expert and he put a hex on me awhile back, trying to get me to drop out of the race. It didn’t work. The warts I have are in a place where nobody can see them. Except Michelle, of course. So the warts had no effect on the primary election whatsoever.
The Republicans really want Hillary to win the Democratic nomination; so much so that they’re willing to resort to a laundry bag of dirty tricks and supernatural curses to keep me from being on the ticket.
It won’t work. It hasn’t work. The warts are hidden. The Republicans can’t shoot straight.
It can’t be much longer before Hillary Clinton drops over dead. That’s probably a good thing because then I would not be under any obligation to tap her as my vice president.
A lot of bad things happen when a candidate running for political office starts spending their own money. Ask Mitt Romney. Not only is Hillary not getting any campaign contributions, we have it on good authority that some of her former contributors are asking for their money back. They’re saying things like, ‘Why can’t you close the deal?’
Our latest intelligence suggests that Hillary has donated up to $10-million of her own money, and her campaign is about $20-million in debt.
It’s time for me to announce The Hillary Deathwatch. I’ll ask the remaining uncommitted SuperDelegates if they want a candidate who can’t pay bills, can’t collect money to run a simple campaign for President. How will that kind of candidate fare against John McCain in the general election?
SuperDelegates are not stupid people. In my Hillary Deathwatch scenario they’ll watch the clock. And it’s ticking.
This is how I know that Pastor Wright is really the Devil personified. He can’t be killed, no matter how hard I try. He’s all over the news these days spewing venomous hatred of whites and America and calling me a politician.
That’s an insult. I’m really an agent for change.
What I’ve come up with to help counter the Wright offensive offensive is an offense of my own. This is what we’re leaking to the press:
The whole Pastor Wright issue is manufactured by the media to destroy the black church and my campaign.
It was Michelle’s idea. I told her it wouldn’t do much good because Pastor Wright is the Devil and you can’t kill the Devil.
Michelle said she’d be happy to set up a meeting with Pastor Wright to test my theory.
I have to laugh at some of the math that goes into elections. Hillary Clinton spent $5-million on Pennsylvania. She gained a net increase of 10 delegates. That’s half a million dollars per delegate.
If it was that easy to win a presidential nomination, I’d just offer half a million dollars to each of the SuperDelegates and be done with it.
The problem is what happens when you lose. I spent $15-million in Pennsylvania knowing I was going to lose the election, but needing to keep the margin close, to make sure I didn’t lose more than 10 delegates.
What a crazy business.
To keep people from focusing on election reform and campaign spending and how I keep losing big states, I’ll tell everyone how I plan to remodel the White House once I’m President.
First, we gotta get rid of that whole ‘White‘ House thing. It’s been around too long. Second, I’ll get rid of the Rose Garden and put in a basketball court.
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