Obama’s Diary

As my campaign begins to sew up the Democratic presidential nomination, politicians come out of the woodwork with ideas about how they can ‘help’ an Obama administration.

Senator Jim Webb wants to be my running mate. He barely won his Senate seat against a Republican doofus who handed Webb the election. What value does Webb bring to me?

Now he’s calling me on the phone and calling me ‘brother.’ Webb is as pasty-assed white guy with fake hair. How does that qualify as a vice presidential material?

Anyhow, I don’t get it. Every day I receive three or four calls from party insiders, most of them SuperDelegates who have yet to commit to a candidate, each one gives me advice for picking a running mate, and Jim Web is always on the list.

Even the Republicans have jumped in. I met with Elizabeth Dole and she said she heard I was going with Jim Webb for my vice president, and she said, “Jim’s a wonderful man, a fine ‘brother’, if you know what I mean?”

No, I don’t know what that means,

I treat Jews like family. I don’t trust my family. My mother married a crazy black man from Africa. What does that say about her rush to judgment? My father left my mother when I was a young boy. What does that say about what he thought of my mother?

The point is that I trust no one. Including Jews. They’re voters with money. They’re influential in government and media. But they can’t be trusted. After all, they always put Jewish interests first.

I’ve been preparing a major speech just for Jews. I won’t say anything new or surprising except that I’ll put all of my positions into one speech and be done with it. They’ll be happy. I’ll get campaign money for a few promises, they’ll get promises in exchange for their money. We’ll both be happy.

Why do reporters not ask Jews what they think about Barack Obama? Because they might say the wrong things and that would embarrass reporters. They’ve been painting my picture for years. If Jews start asking the wrong questions or giving the wrong answers it will make reporters look bad and Jews look bad.

In a nutshell, the expectations are that I love Jews, I am committed to Israel’s safety, I won’t negotiate with terrorists, I’m in favor of freedom, I love God, apple pie, and baseball.

Rich old Jewish people may not be able to hear well, they may believe rumors and not believe what they read in the newspaper, even though they control the media, but they’re not stupid. They need reassurance from me that I am in their corner, I’m with them, I believe in their interests.

Of course I do. 

And I believe in cash, checks, money orders, Visa, Master Card, and American Express.

Alright, someone figured it out. I didn’t campaign in Kentucky. Maybe once, but it was a drive by or a fly over or whatever they call a campaign pit stop without the stop.

Why bother? The only thing good to come out of Kentucky is bourbon and blue grass. I like a shot of one and a toke of the other. Well, I used to. No more. I’m allergic to the stuff. Not the bourbon. Blue grass. It must be something in the fertilizer because I get a rash on my chest something fierce. All the calamine lotion in the world won’t keep it from itching.

It got so bad that when we did the pit stop, drive by, fly over, whatever when I was in Kentucky that I got hives from being near some guy just out mowing his lawn. Blue grass was in the air. I could smell it.

Kentucky would be a great place if they would pay more attention to educating their young instead of making more of them.

Hillary Clinton doesn’t know it yet, but she lost the Democratic nomination for President because her campaign music is so bad. Expect the same result for John McCain in the general election.

My music is better than your music.

Political candidates like to think that they’re all about new ideas, and identifying with voters, but nothing is further from the truth. It’s all about campaign slogans and music. It always has been. Pundits are calling it a new form of political campaigning, but it just isn’t so.

Music sways the emotions of the masses. It was that way thousands of years ago. It hasn’t changed. He or she who wins the music wars, wins the political wars.

For example, Dulce Maria Gonzalez is a musician who supports Hillary. Her song, ‘We Need A Woman‘ has been viewed about 5,000 times on YouTube. Contrast that with the millions of views for Obama Girl’s music. Is it any wonder I have the presidential campaign wrapped up?

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and you can see the results of that fury in Hillary Clinton’s face.

One SuperDelegate after another is stepping up to endorse me over Hillary. It’s very gratifying, and a relief. Most of us in the Democratic party can only pray that Hillary retires from public office and goes quietly into the night.

Fat chance, huh?

We just got word tonight that New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin will announce his support. He’s a SuperDelegate. We’ll also get former Democratic National Committee chairman Roy Romer, once the governor of Colorado.

Another day, another SuperDelegate switches sides. Hillary must be having cold sweats. That works for me. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

The math is inescapable and there for all to see, except voters in Kentucky and West Virginia, who cling to the belief that their votes actually mean something.

I won the most votes throughout the primary campaign. I have the most pledged delegates. I have the most pledged SuperDelegates. I raised the most money and my campaign does not have any debt.

It’s math. The race is over. Will someone please inform Hillary?

As most political pundits already know, I won’t choose Hillary Clinton as my running mate. I haven’t decided whether to choose a man or a woman.

If I choose a woman, and it is a possibility, I’m leaning toward Missouri Senator Claire McCaskill. She has all the right qualifications. Claire is a woman, she’s a Senator, she’s a lawyer, she’s smart and articulate, she looks a little like Hillary Clinton, and, best of all, she’s not mean.

If I choose a man, and it is a possibility, I would prefer Al Gore. He already knows how to do the job. There’s no excess baggage, he doesn’t need the money, and people who love Clinton also feel fondly about Al Gore. He was the best Vice President the country ever had, and easily the best ‘heartbeat away’ kinda guy.

I don’t think Al wants the job.

My short list has all the usual veep candidates, though some of them, like Evan Baye of Indiana, get scratched off the list because they’re die-hard Hillary supporters. General Wesley Clark is on the list. That keeps the military folks happy. Kathleen Sebelius from Kansas is a good choice. Too bad Kansas only has six electoral votes. If she was from Ohio or Florida she would be tops on the list.

I like Janet Napolitano, too, but she’s from Arizona, and chances are good that she couldn’t deliver any electoral votes from John McCain’s home state. Bill Richardson is on the short list. He’s a funny guy with a good resume, and totally anti-Clinton. Would the Clintonite supporters vote for a ticket that is so anti-Clinton.

I like former Florida Governor Bob Graham. Florida will be tough to win, and he just might be the guy to tip the scales in my favor.

Each night I pray to God that John McCain picks Mike Huckabee.

They say that hell hath no fury like that of a woman scorned. Michelle taught me that. It is with deep regret that I recognize that Hillary Clinton is not likely to vote for me in the November general election.

That is despite the fact that I have won more of the popular vote in the primaries, more delegates, more SuperDelegates, and raised more money than either she or John McCain put together. It’s just that I’ve come to recognize that Hillary doesn’t really represent what American politicians have known for over two centuries.

Don’t be a sore loser.

It’s time to ignore Hillary and move forward to build a political campaign and operation to defeat John McCain.

Frankly, ignoring Hillary for the next six months will be one of the most enjoyable features of my campaign.