Obama’s Diary

We’ve been trying to rally disaffected Democratic voters, mostly under educated white men and women, with little success. They’re in bunker mode already. ‘Give me Hillary, or give me death’ seems to be the rallying cry among some Democratic voters in California, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Texas.

That’s to be expected. They backed a loser and it will take time to heal and bring voters together against a common opponent. We’re prepared for that. We’ll pick up plenty of Hillary’s voters and lose a few. It’s politics.

What we are not prepared for is buyer’s remorse. All those activist, educated Democrats and Republicans who voted for me in caucuses and primary elections now have second thoughts. 

Our polling says that many of these voters don’t think I can defeat John McCain in November and they don’t know what to do with their votes. The surveys show that many of my supporters view McCain as a party maverick, and independent who can reach out across the aisle and get things done.

Am I the only one to notice that John McCain has the arm reach of a midget?

As my campaign begins to sew up the Democratic presidential nomination, politicians come out of the woodwork with ideas about how they can ‘help’ an Obama administration.

Senator Jim Webb wants to be my running mate. He barely won his Senate seat against a Republican doofus who handed Webb the election. What value does Webb bring to me?

Now he’s calling me on the phone and calling me ‘brother.’ Webb is as pasty-assed white guy with fake hair. How does that qualify as a vice presidential material?

Anyhow, I don’t get it. Every day I receive three or four calls from party insiders, most of them SuperDelegates who have yet to commit to a candidate, each one gives me advice for picking a running mate, and Jim Web is always on the list.

Even the Republicans have jumped in. I met with Elizabeth Dole and she said she heard I was going with Jim Webb for my vice president, and she said, “Jim’s a wonderful man, a fine ‘brother’, if you know what I mean?”

No, I don’t know what that means,

I don’t know what it is with ex-Presidents. It’s not like they need the money once they leave office. They’re all rich now, what with speeches, personal appearances, book deals. All of them.

Jimmy Carter is always in the news. So is George Bush. The one married to his mother. Only Ronald Reagan was good at staying out of everyone’s hair and avoiding the limelight. Maybe that’s because he didn’t even know who he was.

The worst is Bill Clinton. He’s worth $100-million and collects more money than any politician in history, including the Kennedy’s. He has access to women, heads of state, and can go anywhere and the public foots the bill. 

So what does Bill Clinton really want?

A job.

He’s on the phone a couple of times a day trying to get me to promise him some kind of position in an Obama administration. He’s annoying. Worse than Senator Joe Biden who says he’ll endorse me if he gets a cabinet job or Ambassador to France. Clinton just doesn’t know when to quit, even when I told him there will never be another Clinton in the White House. Ever.

We screen his calls now. I’m saving up all his messages on the answering machine. I could write a small book and get a CBS television special just with all the audio recordings of Bill Clinton begging for work.

With Hillary Clinton’s campaign heavily in debt and running on fear, it’s time to begin the process of healing the tattered and torn Democratic party, worn and haggard from the abuse heaped upon it by the Clintstones.

One of the first steps to healing is the select a running mate for an Obama presidency. It’s important that the disaffected political groups within the party feel as if they’re a part of the vice presidential selection process.

They won’t be, but it’s important for them to think they are.

The most disaffected group within the Democratic party is white women. They need to feel that I’m considering a white woman as my running mate. I am. Senator Claire McCaskill of Missouri. She already told me that she isn’t interested in the job. The reasons are many and varied but it has something to do with a truck driver and a picnic.

The second most disaffected group within the Democratic party is uneducated, illiterate white men, exemplified by high unemployment rates, and shotguns in the back window of their pickup trucks. They want a white vice president and the man a mere heart beat from the presidency.

Disaffected groups all want to feel that they’re a valued part of the democratic process in this election.

They won’t be, but it’s important for them to think they are.

Hillary Clinton plays cards. She’s played the gender card, abused-spouse card, the underdog card, the race card, the money card, and probably a few cards that I’m not aware of but that haven’t made the news.

The only card left to play is the assassination card. It’s merely a matter of time before Hillary invokes some kind of comment about John F. Kennedy’s assassination or his brother, Robert’s assassination, or even Dr. Martin Luther King’s assassination.

Is she desperate or shrewd?

Some would say that Hillary has become desperate, but I don’t think so. She’s a vicious, calculating, mate-eating, she-bat from the nether reaches of whatever is lower than the fires of Hell. But she’s not a stupid woman prone to making political mistakes.

The assassination card is either an attempt to bring doubt to the legitimacy of an Obama administration, or an outright invitation, or a challenge for someone to play out the assassination card as real-life drama.

Either way, the politics are obvious. We’ve beefed up Secret Service security. That means more brothers who are willing to take a bullet for me and my cause for truth, justice, and the American way.

I just cannot imagine any self-respecting, pension-gaining white Secret Service agent willing to take a bullet for Hillary.

How much is Cindy McCain worth? Tens of millions. Hundreds of millions. Whatever. It’s easy to lose count. We just received a tip that Cindy McCain will release her income tax returns for 2006. Nothing about years before, nothing about 2007, but suffice it to say that she made millions in 2006 and didn’t do anything other than breath.

She is one rich blonde. With Republican candidates having a difficult time raising money and having to dig into their own pockets Mitt Romney style, we’ll see how much Cindy McCain truly loves her husband, how much she loves America, or is it just all talk and no substance.

One thing about Republicans, they’ll spend their own money on a campaign to win public office but they draw the line, sooner or later. My bet is that McCain’s blondie already drew the line in the sand, which is why he still begs for money.

I have to admit to perverse pleasure when I see Republican candidates begging for money. 

Some might say that Senator McCain could finance his own campaign the way Mitt Romney financed his campaign. Fine with me. Romney lost despite spending $50-million of his own money. Better luck next time, Mitt.

McCain’s wife won’t turn lose the money, so John has to stay on the campaign trail shaking down Republican bigwigs. It’s a sad show, but one I can watch again and again. Ground Hog Day for Republicans.

I treat Jews like family. I don’t trust my family. My mother married a crazy black man from Africa. What does that say about her rush to judgment? My father left my mother when I was a young boy. What does that say about what he thought of my mother?

The point is that I trust no one. Including Jews. They’re voters with money. They’re influential in government and media. But they can’t be trusted. After all, they always put Jewish interests first.

I’ve been preparing a major speech just for Jews. I won’t say anything new or surprising except that I’ll put all of my positions into one speech and be done with it. They’ll be happy. I’ll get campaign money for a few promises, they’ll get promises in exchange for their money. We’ll both be happy.

Why do reporters not ask Jews what they think about Barack Obama? Because they might say the wrong things and that would embarrass reporters. They’ve been painting my picture for years. If Jews start asking the wrong questions or giving the wrong answers it will make reporters look bad and Jews look bad.

In a nutshell, the expectations are that I love Jews, I am committed to Israel’s safety, I won’t negotiate with terrorists, I’m in favor of freedom, I love God, apple pie, and baseball.

Rich old Jewish people may not be able to hear well, they may believe rumors and not believe what they read in the newspaper, even though they control the media, but they’re not stupid. They need reassurance from me that I am in their corner, I’m with them, I believe in their interests.

Of course I do. 

And I believe in cash, checks, money orders, Visa, Master Card, and American Express.