Obama’s Diary

One of my Secret Service agents is a sour looking Men in Black type. Dark suit. Dark glasses. He never smiles. He’s always in the way. When I tell him to relax and sit down somewhere away from me, he says, ‘I’m just doing my job, boy.’ Then he changes it to, ‘Sir.’ The subtlety is not lost on me.

Michelle and I have dubbed him ‘Hillary.’ That’s our code name for any Secret Service agent who fails to act like a human being instead of a spy who failed to come in from the cold war.

Hillary was on my tail last week and I just had to do something. The tension was getting to me. I had just lost Pennsylvania and needed some time to myself, so I stepped into a hotel rest room. The standard routine is that Hillary and his crew close off the rest room, inspect it, then let me use it. All that takes time and I was pissing while I was pissed about it.

As I was standing there at the urinal I looked up and saw a sliding window that was open. All I had to do was grab the pipe above the urinal, pull myself up, slide open the window, and climb out to the parking lot. So I did.

I didn’t tell Hillary where I was going. Man, was he freaked out. I stood outside the window for a few minutes until I heard someone come into the rest room. I figured it was Hillary. I could hear the toilet stall doors bang open, one by one. Then Hillary was on his two-way radio squawking that the ‘Senator has been kidnapped.’

I laughed so hard I almost wet myself. Then I walked around to the front of the hotel and into the lobby. When Hillary finally caught up to me, all out of breath and sweating up a storm, I accused him of leaving his post.

That’s what Michelle and I call pulling Hillary’s chain.

Here’s a good question that voters should be asking themselves. ‘Who do you want to run America in four years?’

After looking at artists sketches of Hillary Clinton, John McCain, and me, aged four years, I have to be the logical choice to be elected President.

Hillary is already 60 years old and it takes more and more make up to keep her from looking 70. She’s already an albino prune with lipstick.

John is 70-something now, so in four years he’ll look like some old rich man at a nursing home with a hot blonde wife.

What about me?

In four years I’ll have a little more gray hair, a few more wrinkles, but I’m a ladies man now and I’ll be a ladies man in four years.

I’m telling voters that this is a serious issue.

Do they honestly think that a withered, crippled, wrinkled old white man is better equipped to run the country than a young, virile, strong, intellectual man with a true mixed heritage?

The same question needs to be posed to Hillary’s supporters.

Sure, she looks decent now. But look what happened to her husband. He’s death warmed over now, but he looked young and strong when he was elected. Hillary already looks old and weathered. Who wants that face running the country in four years?

I don’t know how else to put it. I condemned Pastor Wright’s divisive and racists comments already. The issue should have died and been buried by now.

Instead, Pastor Wright is on the offensive with a defense of what he said. Now he says that anyone who doesn’t agree with what he said about America and race and religion is attacking the black church.

Either Past Wright is looney tunes and needs a one way ticket to the funny farm, or he’s possessed by the Devil himself. I suspect the latter.

The Devil is a purist. He wants nothing to do with a half-black, half-white man of intellect running the country. The Devil wants what’s bad for America. What better way to cause discord in American politics than by attacking it as an old, over-the-hill black man.

Now Pastor Wright is running around saying he’s patriotic but that American troops are like the Roman legions that killed Jesus, he’s publicly praising Nation of Islam leader Louis Farakhan, and says that the AIDS epidemic is a racist plot to wipe out black people.

Does anyone doubt that Pastor Wright is acting like the Devil?

Any political campaign requires quick changes. I’ve got the black African-American vote sewn up. I split the white men vote with Hillary Clinton, but she’s leading among white women.

What’s a politician to do? Come up with a new campaign slogan.

Barack Obama: ‘I Love White Women.’

I thought of it myself. We’re having a whole series of television commercials where I kiss and hug and hold white women. The only issue I’ve run into is which state I need to run the commercials.

Should I run them in North Carolina? I’ll probably win there whether I spend any money on television commercials or not. I’m sure the slogan ‘I Love White Women’ will play well there.

Should I run them in Indiana? After spending about $10-million so far, I’m neck and neck with Hillary in the Indiana polls, so I don’t want to do something at the last minute that might not work.

When a black African-American man tells white women that he loves them how will they react?

I have to laugh at some of the math that goes into elections. Hillary Clinton spent $5-million on Pennsylvania. She gained a net increase of 10 delegates. That’s half a million dollars per delegate. 

If it was that easy to win a presidential nomination, I’d just offer half a million dollars to each of the SuperDelegates and be done with it.

The problem is what happens when you lose. I spent $15-million in Pennsylvania knowing I was going to lose the election, but needing to keep the margin close, to make sure I didn’t lose more than 10 delegates.

What a crazy business.

To keep people from focusing on election reform and campaign spending and how I keep losing big states, I’ll tell everyone how I plan to remodel the White House once I’m President. 

First, we gotta get rid of that whole ‘White‘ House thing. It’s been around too long. Second, I’ll get rid of the Rose Garden and put in a basketball court.

Nobody likes high gasoliine prices. John McCain says he has a plan to reduce gasoline prices for average Americans. I studied his plan. If it worked, and it won’t, McCain’s would will save Americans about $25 a year.

The truth is this. The days of $1.50 a gallon for gasoline are over. As a politician I have an obligation to tell people that we can put a windfall profits tax on the oil companies. They can afford it. But that won’t reduce the price of gasoline. We’ll just take that money and find someplace else to spend it.

McCain calls his plan a Gas Tax Holiday. That’s a great line. But it won’t matter. The truth is that American’s already have the lowest gasoline prices of any major developed country in the world. Gasoline is about $10 a gallon in Europe and Asia. Most of that cost is taxes.

McCain wants to eliminate all gasoline taxes from Memorial Day through Labor day, which would save most U.S. drivers about 18-cents a gallon. The voters love that idea but voters are not very good with math.

20 gallons a week means a savings of about $4.00 a fill up. If drivers fill up twice a month, that’s a whopping $8.00 savings. It’s a little over three months between Memorial Day and Labor Day so the average driver saves about $25 a month.

McCain lied. It’s not a good deal for anyone. I lied, too. We won’t be lowering gasoline prices anytime soon, if ever.

Michelle is pissed at me. Again. She gets that way whenever I lose a big primary. She wouldn’t talk to me for a week after I lost Ohio and Texas. Now with Pennsylvania down the tubes, I’m not likely to Mr. Intimate for a month.

Or, maybe until North Carolina.

Michelle says I’ll be the first almost-black American President. For her, that’s a play on words. I’m almost black. And I’m almost white. And I almost became President. That’s Michelle’s take on Hillary’s recent surge in the primary elections.

It’s like a stereo boom box. I hear Hillary on the news at night screeching, ‘He can’t close the deal.’ Then I come home and Michelle is standing there screeching, ‘You can’t close the deal.’

I could use a Stepford wife right now. Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory has not been easy for me.