Obama’s Diary

“First class, all the way, baby!” That’s what I told Michelle. We’re scrapping the campaign for a few days and heading off to the Virgin Islands. I need a break. Enough is enough.

If Hillary wants to slog through Pittsburgh and Philadelphia all week, it’s fine with me. It won’t get her any more money or any more delegates.

I’m looking forward to getting some sand between my toes, and a beer between my lips. I’ll even work on my tan. People don’t think that black folks tan, but they seem to forget that I’m half white, half black, so half of me tans real well.

Michelle really wants a vacation but can’t handle any time in the sun. Her skin already the color of ten-minute toast. She can’t swim. It’s a little known fact that the darker a woman’s skin, the worse she swims. That’s why there are no world-class swimmers from Africa. All those surfing tournaments in South Africa? White folks, mostly, with a few islanders here and there.

The Virgin Islands is the perfect place to visit this time of year. The weather is warm and balmy. The people are friendly and happy. There’s hardly a Clinton supporter anywhere in the islands. We didn’t spend a dime down there but locked up six delegates to five for Hillary.

All I need is one more delegate than Hillary.

Who is Victor Davis Hanson and why does he hate me? Never trust anyone who uses all three of his names. People never hear me refer to myself as ‘Barack HUSSEIN Obama.’

I was on the beach this morning doing nothing when Michelle brings me a printed copy of The National Review article by Hanson. The title was ‘The Obama Crash and Burn.’ What an idiot. All he did was harp on my speech about race, raise questions that nobody else asks, and concludes that it’s over for Barack Obama.

Not so fast, there, Victor Davis Hanson. My speech was great. All my speeches are great. It’s what I do. What does V.D. Hanson do? He writes like this:

“We learn now that Obama is the last person who wants to end the establishment notion that a few elite African Americans negotiate with liberal white America over the terms of grievance and entitlement — without which all of us really would be transracial persons, in which happiness and gloom hinge, and are seen to do so, on one’s own individual success or failure.”

What is that about? Who is this man? What does he want from me? Or, does he get paid by the word? His little survey was unanimous. Nobody will vote for Obama ever again.

‘Crash and burn,’ my ass!

Michelle just told me not to worry because The National Review is just an ultra right wing. ultra conservative magazine founded by Joe McCarthy William F. Buckley back in the last century.

What goes around, comes around. The Clintonians are having a hissy fit over some photos of Bill Clinton and Rev. Jeremiah Wright. Together.

It seems that President Clinton invited Pastor Wright to the White House back when Clinton was embroiled in the Monica Lewinsky affair and was close to losing the impeachment vote to convict.

Everywhere the President goes there’s an official photographer, and a lot of unofficial photographers so now all the photos of President Clinton embracing, hugging, shaking hands with Pastor Wright are making the rounds.

Turnabout is fair play, et tu, Bubba?

You gotta love politics. Pastor Wright doesn’t even remember the trip to Washington or meeting up with Clinton. Sacramental sauce will do things to a man’s memory.

Two more debates. That’s all. Hillary has agreed to another debate in Pennsylvania on April 16th, and we’ve schedule another for North Carolina on April 19th.

So far, Hillary hasn’t agreed to the April 19th debate, just a few weeks before the North Carolina primary election. Why? Some of my advisors think Hillary doesn’t want a debate so close to the North Caroline vote because she’s likely to lose big time.

The real reason she doesn’t want to debate me in North Carolina? Hillary’s afraid of Katie Couric.

CBS News is sponsoring that debate and it’s the first time Katie Couric will host a debate. Hillary can’t stand Katie. I don’t know all the details but it has something to do with how much Hillary had to drink before an interview Katie did back when she was with NBC’s Today Show.

It’s hard to believe that the wife of a former President would drink so early in the morning, but, she is married to Bill Clinton, so, in the words of Chris Rock, “I understand.”

Either way, Hillary won’t look good. If it gets out she’s afraid of Katie Couric then the media will have a  field day. If she can’t stand up to a woman who’s perky and has a big smile, how can she stand up to our enemies?

It’s a good question.

General Tony McPeak stuck his foot in it today. He said Bill Clinton’s campaign tactics are similar to those of Joe McCarthy. I called Tony and told him his remarks were a little over the top and not beneficial to the campaign.

He said, “But Barack, it’s true. The Clintons behave just like Joe McCarthy did back in the 1950s.”

I said, “Yeah, but that’s not the point. Nobody remembers Joe McCarthy. If you’re going to use an evil political figure who plays dirty tricks to win, use someone that people will remember. Nobody remembers McCarthy except old newspaper editors. I don’t even remember the man. He was gone in the 1950s. I wasn’t born until the 1960s.”

The problem with comparing your political opponent to a man like Joe McCarthy is that nobody remembers Joe McCarthy. Besides, the Clintons are even better at playing political dirty tricks than Richard Nixon, and only about half the country remembers anything about him except that he resigned.

Still, I have to wonder if Hillary Clinton isn’t channeling Tricky Dick.

My campaign slogan for the presidential election against John McCain is simple. ‘Like Bush? Vote McCain. He’s like Bush.”

That slogan is so hot that I hear John McCain’s staff is furious and don’t want President Bush to campaign for McCain before the election.

‘Like Bush? Vote McCain. He’s like Bush.’

I say it over and over and over and it still comes out fresh and funny. If I were not a politician I could make millions in the advertising business. Creating slogans is child’s play.

Here’s another one. ‘Got Debt? Blame McCain.”  That one will do well in the industrial states. I came up with this one while I was shaving this morning. “Two In The Hand Is Better Than One More Bush.” I’m not sure what it means but it sounds profound and that’s what people expect from me.

My staff favorite is, “America Needs Another Leader On Social Security,” a reference to John’s age.  I tell them the message is divisive since the country has so many people on Social Security.

Michelle came up with one, too. ‘John McCain. Evil Conniving Warlock.’ She’s consistent.

I feel like a political playwright. My speeches inspire, instruct, and motivate. The reviews of my speech on ‘race’ in the aftermath of Pastor Wright’s incendiary comments are pouring in and they’re mostly positive.

The only thing different about this speech was leaving behind the ‘preacher’ in me and simply addressing the audience, and the television audience, as if they are adults. They’re not, but it made them forget about Pastor Wright and remember me as the voice of reason and change in a world full of turmoil and anger.

And I got to mention half a dozen times that my mother is white and my grandparents are white. Pennsylvania, here I come.

Michelle Malkin called me, “Barack Obama, the self-anointed, soul-fixing, nation-healing Political Messiah.”

Some may ask the question, ‘Why did the future author of racial harmony stay with a preacher whose black nationalist leanings were no secret?‘

The answer to that is easy. We all knew that Pastor Wright had too much to drink before a sermon, so his words carried less import. Besides, I can fix any problem with a speech.