Obama’s Diary

Who says Americans cannot be stirred up by a speech? For the most part, I’m still using parts of the same anti-war speech I gave back in 2002 when I first came out against the war in Iraq. Talk about good gas mileage.

That speech and what it does to Americans is nothing short of breathtaking. First it was Obamamania, then it was Obamamentum. Not necessarily in that order.

What is interesting to me and Michelle about this phenomenon, or, rather, Obamanomenon, is how little effort is required. If people only knew. Actually, I’m surprised no one has picked up on this. The speech is one thing, the debate is something else, and running a campaign is something else again.

For the speech, what can I say? It’s basically the same thing for the past five or six years. It’s only different because I can’t remember all the phrases and they get mixed and matched on the fly anyway. Debates? All I have to do is listen to the question and give an answer. Or, listen to a rebuttal and give an answer. How hard is that?

The most difficult aspect of Obamamania and Obamamentum is the national campaign. For that, I end every speech with a request for a donation. The rest of the work is done by people we hire.

John McCain hasn’t learned much about the new age of politics as defined by me and my supporters.

In just the past few months I’ve received personal apologies from three United States senators, a former senator, CNN, MSNBC, and more Clinton and McCain supporters than I can count.

Why?  It’s simple. They haven’t learned that throwing political sticks and stones is the 21st century version of stepping in dog excrement. In public. On purpose. On national television.

Hillary and Bill played the race card, and what did they get? Angry voters. Hillary tried again to insult me by forwarding negative photos to the media. What did they get? Angry voters. Accusations of plagiarism fell on deaf ears. That’s politics as usual and people on both sides of the political aisles are tired of it.

Just yesterday, John McCain’s supporters made race an issue. What did they get? Headlines of fear mongering and more angry voters.

They’re throwing sticks and stones at my name, my race, my heritage, my experience.

What’s next? An attack on my ears?

I think I have Hillary Clinton figured out. True, she wants to be President. It’s becoming clear that if she can’t be President, she wants to be co-President, just like she implies she was from 1992 to 2000.

The idea is not so far fetched and I’ve said so. Hillary has painted herself as a co-President during Bill Clinton’s terms. Essentially, she says that every good thing that happened then she was a part of so she takes credit for it.

The problem is simple. Hillary won’t take credit for the bad things that happened during the Clinton years in the White House. NAFTA is a good example. So is Monica Lewinsky.

Hillary says she has 35 years of experience to bring to the White House. That would include eight years as a Senator from New York. What else? Co-President during Bill Clinton’s two terms? Alright, that’s another eight years. Was she co-Governor in Arkansas, too? Fine. That’s another 12 years added to eight for co-President and eight for Senator.

The total is 28 years, not 35 years as she claims, unless being a co-Attorney General of Arkansas counts. That’s another two years. Where’s the other five years of experience? Co-conspirator? Was she a co-human? Does that count?

It’s clear to me that if Hillary can’t be President, then she wants to be co-President and not Vice President.

Money came up twice during the debate tonight. One question aimed at me and the other at Hillary. Both of us dodged a bullet tonight. We’ll live to fight another day.

The silver bullet with my name on it is public financing of presidential campaigns. Back when I wasn’t raising money, I was all for public financing and said so. That was probably a mistake. Now that I have as much money as God, public financing of my presidential campaign seems a little looney.

It’s no wonder John McCain is all over my butt about campaign financing. He can’t raise any private money because Republicans are spooked, so to speak, and figure the 2008 election is a lost cause, so why should they bother with donations? John needs public financing. I don’t.

Hillary’s bullet had to do with her taxes, why she hasn’t disclosed her income tax return, and where she came up with $5-million to donate to her campaign. I don’t know where she got the money and I only care so that once I retire from being President I can get my share. It’s only fair.

When I say, “Hillary, show me the money,” it has an entirely different meaning than when it comes from Tim Russert.

I really don’t know what to think of Hillary Clinton. Sure, she’s tough, a fighter, but there’s no doubt about it– Hillary doesn’t play fair. She suffers from some kind of multiple personality disorder like Sybil.

Will the real Hillary Clinton please show up for the next debate.

Last week she was all smiles and gracious during our debate in Texas. Her only real dig at me the whole night was that stupid reference to Xeroxing campaign speeches. That was Hillary the vampire bulldog, biting first, thinking about it later.

The rest of the debate I thought she was bucking for a shot at Vice President. She held my arm and smiled and said she was “honored” to share the debate stage with me, Barack Obama. It was a tender and emotional moment.

Today she’s on national television wagging her finger and saying, “Shame on you, Barack Obama.” One minute she’s all smiles and warm and friendly, and the next minute she’s barring fangs and frothing at the mouth like some kind of overworked dog in heat. On the other hand, Hillary’s television commercials make her look all soft and cuddly and caring. Yeah, like a rattlesnake is all soft and cuddly.

I’m about ready to say it publicly, “Will the real Hillary Clinton please stand up?” But Michelle told me not to bother. She’s been tracking all of Hillary’s outbursts and public attacks on her computer’s calendar. Hillary’s attacks only last a few days, but they’re right on schedule, every 28 days, just like some kind of biological clock.

I know this may come back to haunt me, politically, that is, but I believe in The Campaign of Celestial Choir and Lights. This concept is not difficult to understand, which explains why my campaign for President touches a responsive chord in so many people, and resonates in a primal, though heavenly orchestral way. It truly does.

From the very beginning of my campaign for President I have worked political magic, orchestrated an inspiring re-birth of political spirits. Not only is it time to bring people together, time to unify, but I am the man of destiny, and my Campaign of Celestial Choir and Lights is proving to the American people that we can come together to solve our common problems. Whatever the solution may be, we must come together first.

Just as a light springs forth from the sky to illuminate the dark, my campaign will inspire a choir of supporters from all walks of life to embrace political change and motivate them to do what is right for the American people.

I truly believe I can do that. I have heard the celestial choir, and I have seen the celestial lights and the miracles which they work. I am that miracle. I bring that miracle. My inspiring, miraculous presidential campaign truly is Change We Can Believe In. It’s about change. And beliefs. And they’re together. Together in the light. And the light is good and warm. And illuminating. Not to mention bright. And the choir. It’s all about being harmonious. With harmony.

People believe what I tell them to believe. That’s why Hillary’s campaign is struggling so much. No lights. No choir.

David Plouffe called me tonight, and said, “Guess what? Ralph Nader is going to run for President. Again.”

Again? I thought Nader was dead. Honestly. Not politically dead. But dead dead. How can you run for President if you’re not even alive, politically?

Anyway, David got the news from one of his sources at NBC that Nader would show up on Tim Russert’s Meet the Press tomorrow. Only a last place television network would consider a Nader candidacy as news worthy of broadcast. Note to General Electric, there’s a reason why NBC is the last place television network.

A Nader for President campaign has all the excitement of a Jack Kervorkian for President campaign, in a Wes Craven sort of way. One of the first questions that Tim Russert should ask Jack, uh, Ralph, is “Why?” Or, maybe, “Why bother?” Or, perhaps, “Can you prove to me that you’re not really dead?”

This is definitely a presidential campaign for the ages. Every nut case with a cause wants to run for political office. That’s what’s wrong with politics in America. Politicians are too representative of the American people. Politicians should be the domain of the elite, an aristocracy of sorts. John Kennedy was the last aristocrat President, flawed but admired and loved by everyone except the right wing.

Since then what have we had? Nixon? Carter? Ronald Reagan was an actor, for crying out loud. For all the personal theater, Bill Clinton was at least a smart political guy with an addiction to sex.

Honestly, I thought Ralph Nader died. If he’s really not, then he’s jumping the shark. Again.